so when i first got pregnant i decided i wanted to breastfeed
it was pretty much the most important thing to me
i didnt care about a birth plan or anything because i knew that the baby would pretty much decide that
long story short im not making enough milk for the baby
he is not satified and i feel insanely guilty
im bottle feeding more than i want to
but i am still nursing, mostly for comfort for him and for the very little milk that i do have.
he likes to nurse to feel close to me so that is basically when i am doing right now.
super suck mom.
super tired mom.
time for nap.

today mason is 3 weeks old.
i will be 24 in two weeks
marcus hasnt been working much and we are just waiting for our w2s in the mail.

we will be buying a home within the next few months.
probably here in the dalk.
it makes me happy that these things are happening for me and my family
these are the things we have wanted for a very long time.
we have worked very hard for a very long time to do this.

i am very greatful for so many things and people.
i wouldnt have been able to get through the past couple weeks without them
lovelovelove.

I wanted to take this time while everything it remotely quiet to update about my life for once lol.
We are officially a family of four. Marcus, Chloe, Mason and myself.
Mason Marcus Wilkison was born 12/27/2010 at 8:51 am and weighed 9 lbs 12 oz.
Things have been going very well and I couldnt be happier.

You are welcome to visit him whenever you'd like <3

i never really update anymore, but i just wanted to give a few major updates about recent events.
marcus and i went to court and got custody of chloe. she lives with us during the week and her mom gets every OTHER weekend. that was a really big step and something we have been working towards for a very long time.

marcus and i celebrating our 2 year wedding anniversary (4 years together) on the 2nd. he has been very great throughout my pregnancy and awesome with chloe. i am SO proud of him.

i am almost 23 weeks pregnant. i am having a little boy and his name is mason marcus wilkison. i am so excited to be a mom, but a little scared about having a boy :-p.

school for me has been put on hiatus until the baby it born. i plan on staying home for a little while with the baby and will continue then. i only have three more classes until i get my AA and I want to continue on and start my BS too.

school started for chloe, she has been saying how she doesnt want to go to school every day, but actions speak louder than words and she has been great about getting up in the morning and getting ready without me asking her too. i am so proud of her :)

baseball game on oct 2nd, wedding for steve and leah oct 9th....chloes birthday party at chucky cheese the weekend of the 22nd. my baby shower is dec 5th. everything is coming sooo quickly.
anyway, just a quick update so the 3 ppl who read this know whats going on in my life.

<3

i havent updated in awhile.
marcus got a dollar raise today.
things have been going pretty well.

i am 12 weeks and 2 days pregnant.
apaartment services fired me because they are cunts
but i got a new job at continental.
i am at a property in essex
more money
no work on the weekends
and they are must more professional and treat people much better.

chloe moves in on the 5th.
i think i am abuot to go out and buy her some stuff. she needs a few things and walmart has some adorable stuff.

baby is due jan 3rd
everything is amazing
except that the ac is out.

i wrote this poem january 31st 2005. it always seems that my life repeats itself at different times and places with different people.
i wish never got married



.copper.
burning copper bridges
the lights in the station
are blinking a furious green
i know this metal monster
wont think twice about leaving me on the tracks

plastered to cold plastic
my heart is no warmer than this seat
and youre left standing in my place
the window is barren
reflecting only my shoulders
with your sweater draped
tirely around them
im letting go.
~~
.holding off packing.
steadfast and sturdy
this gravel road is unsettled
familiar to falling feet
upon its rubbled paths

cliche as this moment
its time to let go
my baggage is heavy
like your puppy dog eyes
but that look cant stop me
from boarding this train
as much as i need you
i need me.

this may sound really stupid
but whenever I think about Shannon and how he died, it breaks me up
I can't write anything about it because it overwhelms me with sadness
Sometimes I think that I may have known him in a past life to feel this sad and connected to him
like he was a friend that struggled with the same problems that most people do.

Sometimes I understand why very intelligent people turn to drugs
It is so obvious how much pain there is
not just for me, but everyone
I had driving through the city because I feel like DESPAIR just pours from every shitty roach infested home
I know these people don't deserve what they get
They have a bunch of kids and live in a shit hole because that's what their parents did
They dont know any better, they aren't really offered the opportunity to do better.

Shannon wrote "Change" before he was a drug addict.
I can relate to these songs...
For some reason the spring makes me so sad
I have been thinking of going to Indiana to see his grave
I feel like he is my brother...

I dont feel the suns coming out today
Stayin' in, it's ganna find another way.
And as I sit here in this misery
I don't think I'll ever know, lord
See the sun from here

Oh, as I fade away
They'll all look at me and say
'Hey look at him, I'll never live that way'
But that's okay, they're just afraid of change

When you feel life aint worth livin'
you've got to stand up and take a look around
and then you look up way to the sky
and when your deepest thoughts are broken
keep on dreamin' boy cause when you stop dreamin' its time to die

and as we all play parts of tomorrow
some ways we'll work and other ways we'll play
But I know we can't all stay here forever
So I will write my words on the face of today
And they'll paint it

And oh as I fade away
they'll all look at me and say (they'll say)


'Hey look at him, and where he is these days'
When life is hard, you have to change
When life is hard you have to change...."




when the bring weather breaks it always makes me sad
work, apartment, dundalk
it depresses me to a level I can't really explain
like there has to be so much more out there for me....
I definitely understand why smart people turn to drugs.

I barely ever update anymore because at any given moment there is a million things going on.

So basically the shit hit the fan with that Amy character
last week Marcus and I went to the Muse concert and I was swasted when I came home
she had posted this bullshit like she always does
and pretty much cap'n and coke took over and I just said
'show up or shut up. you're stomach looks like the jowls of a dog".
sooo
basically she freaked the fuck out and posted a picture of me on her myspace and said was a
a) fat, trash etc b) whore c) bad mother/wife/person i am
same old, same old
then her husband calls marcus and asks why i did that
to which marcus replies that she has been doing this for 2 months and this was the FIRST thing that i said
he didnt know, talks to amy
and what i assume is that she gets pissed because he doesnt take her side ride away
so her sister sends me this text message

(verbatem, including bad grammer)
"i dont know u well i just remeber u as the fat slpooy bitch stumbling through my house one night with yer ugly bf..anyway im amys sister the trashy one ;). i would suggest you leave her alone or ill fucking kill you. aint no body scared of u and u sure as hell would run yer mouth if she wasnt pregnant. but im not so either stop running yer cock sucker or do something ill glady give u my address if ud like to come see me. and i dnt give a fuck if u wanna call the cops i would glady spend 3 nights in jail beats a month in the hospital..so anyways yes this is a threat yes u can do what u want with it. dont feel so tough for fucking with a pregnant bitch..because nobody would be scared of u yer a fat sloppy bitch that wants to relive her youth...grow up and stop tryna be amy stop running yer mouth for no reason at all it makes you look like a scared bitch. and god please learn how to put on make up! u look stupid and you photoshoped ur yer lipstick on really bad haha. put a cock in it or so something"


so...in between illiteracy and run on sentences you probably get the gist of what she is trying to say.
i am putting gas in my car with megan at the time, getting ready to leave for PA to see taneesha. i dont respond at all because im not trying to mess up my trip.
so i go, we have fun, on the way home krystal calls me. she works at corporate and she says that amy called the main office and reported that i have been sending threatening emails from my work computer.
obviously IT can find out that i HAVE NOT been doing this.
either way, i call the cops and make a police report
my company bands her from lawyers hill
and she hasnt said anything since thursday night when the cops call
im not sure if this is the silence before the storm of if she really was afraid of the cops
either way, its been silent since then

HOWEVER
just because she wants to get knocked up a million times
does NOT make it okay to run her mouth about people
im glad its over
but here i will speak my piece

she said a million things about me being a 'bad parent'
she smoked pot the whole time she was pregnant with her son
and after he was born, while he was around
that does not a good parent make.
AND, the night in question at her sisters house
when i was 'slpooy' and stumbling around the house
her sister had her 6 month old in a house
where people were drinking and spoke
and the baby was just hanging out like it was okay
AND amy was the one who got so wasted she passed out in a thong.
she called me fat and nasty and all other kinds of things
she didnt even have a STOVE
they ate at seasons pizza every single night and i never saw her eat anything besides
ben and jerrys, a pizza or a sub, and other fried foods

my only conclusion is that this person hates herself.
SO.
i think its over.
i just wanted to vent.
and hopefully i will never hear from her again.




ANYWAY
saw taneesha, she looks great
had a good time in lancaster
was supposed to get my septum pierced but nikki canceled
and then canceled again
so im thinking about going to see mike jones who to do it

i have been spending a lot more time with megan and stacy
which makes me happy because i missed them
saw them a few times last week and hung out on tuesday while jess and jake were home
jess' little man is so cute
<3 lucky momma


seeing stacia on sunday
i havent seen her in over 3 years. im pretty upset.
either way we are having lunch and i am stoked.

marcus' birthday is coming up
and i am pretty excited about it.
he is going to be 32.
not sure what i want to get him for his birthday



that is all.

its 11 pm and I cant sleep


we sent the money to the lawyer so everything is starting to fall into place
she came over this weekend and we were working on reading together
it make me really happy that she was trying hard
she was doing a great job and i am really proud of her

got the tattoo and it looks really good
although it is broken out right now because of the a&d oitment
so i got all kinds of acne. score.

going with megan on the 4th to get my septum pierced by nikki
then we are going to see taneesha.
i am so excited about this because i havent seen her in forever

marcus is off work again tomorrow
i think they are trying to get him to quit by giving him a bunch of days off
so that way they wont have to pay him unemployment.
he still hasnt gotten the results for his GED
they said something like 4-6 weeks before we get them back
and its been about 4.5

weight loss is coming along pretty well
lost 10 lbs in about a month
even though i fuck up severely on the weekends
i like food, ok?! dont judge me!

megan, stacy, and i went to meet amanda at the poncabird last night
i hadnt seen amanda in almost 2 years
it was really great to see her
we all wound up coming back to my apartment
marcus and dave were there, drunk
and i had so much fun just being with people i care about
stacy was a little crunk
so i gave her french fries and she went to sleep in chloe's room
in her coat
and woke up fine.
overall, good night.

marcus made breakfast this morning for dave and i
and we pretty much sat around, watched a movie
and spent some lazyday time together,

that is pretty much it.
the end.

Last year
1) typical DONT BE FAT RESOLUTION.


2) learn to play the geetar

3) have at least a 3.5 GPA in interwebz school

4) go out AT LEAST two weekends a month with my friends

5) try to control my temper

6) save some effin money

7) maybe baby?

8) start painting

9) sell at least one painting on ebayz

10) stick to this shit.


~~~~~~

So I scored a 3/10. Which fails.
3) Ended the year with a 3.6 GPA
4) I am not sure if I go out that often with my friends, but I definitely have improved from last year
5) I definitely try harder not to fly off the handle.

I waited a little longer to post my annual NYR post because I wanted some time to think
and I have decided to shorten my list in order to have a greater chance of success.

So

1) Healthy body weight. My goal is 20% of my body weight. But I would be happy with 10% this year. If you loose it slow, you keep it off. So 17.5 lbs is my goal. And so far I have lost 8. I think this is reasonable and easy to obtain. I <3 to underachieve.
2) Keep my GPA at 3.5 or above
3) Save some money. I want to say have $1500 saved at the end of the year.
4) Try out for roller derby. This sounds crazy, but it is something I have always wanted to do. I think it might help me with controlling my temper in normal life :)
5) My relationships have improved this year and I hope to maintain them. I feel like I am so exhausted sometimes that just the thought of going out makes me even more tired. But I do miss the people that I love. I am kinda glad it snowed the way it did so I got to see them :)
6) Provide a stable and different home for Chloe when she moves in. The lawyer has been hired and the agreements are basically set in place, we are just tying up some loose ends before she moves in with us for the summer.


that is about it. a little easier this year.
i havent been able to weight myself for the past week because i am pmsing and i tend to gain 7 lbs in water weight. i do not want to discourage myself by getting on the scale and thinking that the weight watchers isnt working.
ill give a better update once the bloatedness and irritability has subsided.